Old People Are a Menace

There. I said it.

My parents are in their mid-70s, one with advancing Parkinson's Disease but doing well and the other regularly lifted 80 lbs of chicken feed weekly for her crazy brood on her tiny farm. Since last Sunday was my birthday (and Father's Day), I received phone calls and made them as per the holiday:

Me: Happy Father's Day, Dad! What's new in the world of Parkinson's? (seriously, it started out like this)

Dad: I feel great. We're moving forward with a new therapy - the hyperbaric chamber. It will push oxygen into my brain to help it function better.

Me: So you'll essentially blow up like a frog in biology class?

Dad: That would be fun, but no.

Me: Can you text me while they're doing it?

Dad: No. But I'll hum.

Me: Hum?

Dad: Yes, it will keep my mind off of things. You know, like, being pumped full of oxygen. And now I'll be thinking of frogs.

Me: Sorry. Can you take photos while you're in there? I haven't seen a hyperbaric chamber before.

Dad: *sigh* No.

Me: You're no fun. Want to see the new tattoo I got for my birthday? I can text you so you have something to look at in the Chaaaaaaaamber.

Dad: No... Is it a frog?

Me: No. I'm just kidding. I got a nose piercing instead.

Dad: Good. Save the tattoo for when you hit fifty.

Me: Dad, Bev (sister) told me you like peanuts a lot lately.

Dad: Yeeeeess, why?

Me: I heard you should probably request a blue hearing aid next time too. They don't have the same crunch as a peanut but they are a bit more expensive. Just sayin'.

Dad: Shut up.

Me: What? I can't hear you? I'm enjoying a delicious snack of hearing aid peanuts.

Dad: [hangs up]

While on the phone with my Dad, my Mother called and left a voicemail:

Mom: Staaaacey? Can you wish Bryan (husband) a very happy Father's Day? I hope he has a wonderful day with his fabulous daughters - and you too. I don't want to use up all the tape on this message (tape? on a voicemail?) but I just wanted to tell him Happy Father's Day.

I'll be sure to tell him. Right after I call my shrink about how both parents forgot to wish me a happy birthday though they've both essentially spoken to me that day.

Callback to mom:

Me: Hey Mom. I told Bryan he's fabulous.

Mom: Thanks. Did you make him a cake? Men like cakes.

Me: Yes, Mom. Chocolate with strawberries. You know, how I like on my birthday.

Mom: Yes, well, about that...

Me: What?

Mom: I forgot to send your card with $5 in it.

Me: No problem, I'll bill you later.

Mom: Oh, you. And tell Bryan his is coming too.

Me: It's not his birthday.

Mom: I know. But I can't make him a cake and your skills are, well, in another direction.

Mom: Why are you humming?

Me: I'm thinking of frogs.

Mom: My children are weird.  [hangs up]


  1. Roflmao! I loved this post! Thanks so much for sharing it. lol I can just picture them (and you) talking. lol My problem is the exact opposite. My father thinks I'm in serious need of someone to care for me since my mom died. And that was almost 8 years ago. He says its because I'm a girl. So, he's coming in as Superdad after so many years of being distant. Go figure. lol I need to write this down. Haha.

  2. I hope I wished you a happy b-day, did I? Sorry if I didn't! I don't know how you keep your head on straight with 5 girls. My 3 kiddoes keep me totally in a fog of craziness all the time. :)

  3. I think a birthday greeting every June for the past thirty-ahem years gives you a little leeway, K! =D

  4. Hi Stacy! I love your blog, so I thought I'd nominate it fr an award. Drop my blog in a bit to see the post.

  5. heheh, y'all must be trying to tell me something. Effie, I received this award a few weeks ago!

  6. Okay, normally, I read through a few posts when deciding if I like a new blog. This is all I needed. I'm hooked.

    Happy way-belated birthday.

  7. Hey Matt!
    I have a *thang* for pirates, you'll fit right in. Thank you for the birthday wishes, I will use them on wrinkle-cream and a boob lift.

  8. Congratulations. You have earned the Strange Men in Pinstripe Suits Blog award. Please stop by my blog for your prize and a list of your responsibilities. :)

  9. Thanks Haggis! Boy, I do one little peanut joke and I'm branded for life. I've received the award (thrice now) so I'll point down-blog for a reading of the responsibilities met. =D

  10. Thrice? I do believe that's a record.

    Congratulations. :D

  11. Number four just showed up in my inbox.

    Are you people trying to tell me something?

  12. ROFL... *spews water out nose* you totally crack me up. Where's my brownies? :D

    Although I s'pose you think I owe you some Ms. Published Writer!

    Can I have your autograph?

  13. This was definitely worth a re-run. Loved it, again. Good thing I know not to be drinking something when reading your posts.I can't afford a new computer because of liquid spewing out of mouth onto keyboard. All drinks safely stored out of reach when reading you, Amy, or Beth. ~Nita

  14. LOL thanks! Water spewing was what I was aiming for. ;)

    My next column at Ermas is tomorrow (9.10.10), these girls (and Jason) keep me on my toes!