The Dating Game

I swear I've been in the dating game - in one way or another - far longer than it looks.

One of my favorite writing jobs was at Willamette Week newspaper in Portland, Oregon a dozen years ago. I had the night shift helping to "enhance" classifieds buyers' ads looking for a date.

"So. You're an unemployed mill worker with anger issues and a severe limp. I can work with that." I said.

"Just make sure she's not fat," he replied.

"Sir, I have no control over who will respond to your ad. And what's wrong with being a little soft?" I was already drawing devil horns on his photo showing a balding, tired man with a week's worth of hit-or-miss beard growth and a dirty shirt.

"Nothing. I just can't afford to treat her right."

I erased the horns.

"No problem," I warmed up to him. "Let's see what we can do..."

Passionate man with time to spare on just the right woman is looking to snuggle up for the weekend. Time is more important than money for this lovable bear, won't you be his honey?

Another call was from a young woman who was new to the area and wanted to meet new "friends." Let's call her Trixie the Dominatrix because, to be frank, that was her stage name and she didn't want to lose customers if they came looking for her from Boise. Yes, Boise. Don't judge.

"I want it to talk about my legs. I have good legs." She started.

"Alrighty, I'll mention legs. You do know this is not an "advertisement," right? It's to find a date." I didn't want to dabble in legalities and end up her pimp.

"I got it. You just put down that I'm available from 10p-3a and to not wake up my kid when he calls." I could hear the whip cracking in the background but it could have been her gum.

Strong, leather-clad woman is looking for a new playmate. A late night rendezvous is just the thing for this woman on-the-go. Her legs were made for walkin' ---- all over your pride. kerSNAP!

"Good enough?" I asked.

"Freakin' perfect." She said.

I have no idea if Trixie found her honey bear, I prefer to not think of the mental picture that would scar my mind but have still found myself involved in hooking people up. Zombie Dating Guide, anyone?


  1. *spewing water on my monitor*

    Evil. It should've come with a cautionary label. Don't read, while drinking. Contents will spew.

    ROFLMAO Awesome Stace -- super hilarious!

  2. Wow. That is fantastic! I love that fact that she didn't want her kid woken up if a gentleman called. :-)

  3. Names have been changed (obviously) to protect the kinky but y'all get the idea. ;)

  4. I told you not to write about me in a post!! ;)

  5. ROFL!! You do seem to have a knack at this...

  6. Trixie would make a hell of a writing prompt.